Written by Mary
An unexpectedly thought-provoking thing happened to me the other day. For the first time since I left my computer programming career several years ago, someone asked me what I did for a living.
You might wonder how that didn’t come before, but I’m a homebody, blessed with a large extended family, and don’t meet that many new people. Anyway, the former career woman in my head said “You’re in data processing! Tell her that.” The proud maintainer of a peaceful, happy home (that includes the yard work…my husband likes that the best) said, “Get real, you stay at home, you keep things running smoothly, you can drop what you’re doing in an instant and come to the rescue when family needs you for something minor or major…”. Why the heck was I having trouble with the question? Anyway, I stammered something, and my sister piped up that “I allowed my stepdaughter to pursue her college degree by watching her 3 kids when needed”.
I appreciated her attempt to help me out, but I only watch them regularly one afternoon a week. Anyway, rather than continue with the reasons I now stay at home and how we were able to make that decision, I’d like to get back to the gist of this article.
How many of us even worry about this anymore? Does it matter, or have we reached the point that we accept it as a personal choice with no judgement?
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9 Responses to Career Woman/Mom or Stay-At-Home Mom: Is It Even an Issue Anymore?
I think as long as there are people insecure with their own choices, there will be judgment. A job or career can be a big part of one’s identity, and it’s natural for people to bond over the “what do you do?” question. Much like the “are you married/attached?” and the “do you have kids?” questions, or the “where did you go to college?” question. These can be innocent chit-chat conversation fillers, but sometimes they are something more – an attempt to fit someone into a “place” in the questioner’s world view. I think the best one can do is remember that if you’re happy with your choices (or hey, even if you aren’t), you certainly don’t have to explain or justify them to strangers.
Mary, stimulating question. Thanks for sharing.
To answer your question, I don’t think we have yet reached a point where there is no judgment and that is unfortunate. Just in Gosselin-blogging alone, I know that one of the first insults thrown out (from both sides of the issue) is some variation of the “so-and-so is lazy”, “so-and-so doesn’t work.” It’s lame, I know, but it occurs (along with the fat jokes which are also very juvenile).
I do think some of the judgment comes from working women who wish they had the opportunity to not work. I think it’s sad that many choose to express their frustration with their own life circumstances by feeling resentful or looking down on others.
That sad, I think there are many others (I like to include myself in this category) who feel happy for anyone who is able to follow their bliss. Whether that is as a homemaker, volunteer, full or part time career person or all the above mixed together – if you have the means to be spending the majority of your time doing what makes you and your family happy, I say GOOD for you!
It’s only an issue to those who wish there were in the other’s shoes. Intersting, made me think…. all of my friends work so I don’t even think about it. I have younger relatives who are home with their babies and I’m not sure I’d trade them at this point in my life. There is no harder job than raising a family no matter which position you are in, in my opinion. The isolation that can come to a stay at home mom and the guilt that tends to follow a working mom are equal in my eyes. I was able to work part time, 2 days a week, when my kids were little and that worked great! I’ve also been able to have a career so I guess I was lucky. Now if I win the lottery….. I’d find myself very happy to be home once again.
I struggled with this for along time in my early twenties. My mother was the bread winner in the family and a teacher at our local high school who taught me to be a strong women in a world fighting for equality amongst men. I got into a top University in Canada for Commerce(accounting) but chose to go somewhere else and it really embarrassed my mother. I still got my degree but it wasn’t from Dalhousie University. My mother didn’t talk to me for an entire year after I told her I didn’t want to go. I was supposed to be the first of her children to go to University and when I didn’t go it was like I was ruining her dream for me. I always wanted to be the stay at home mother but felt I had to be the successful business women and felt pressured to be someone or more like someone my mother wanted me to be. It took me along time to realize I needed to follow my own dreams and I appreciate having strong women who faught so hard towards equality in the workforce to let me have the choices us women have today.
I think as long as there are people insecure with their own choices, there will be judgment.
That one really made me think, Jennie. I have a stepdaughter who knew as a teen that she wanted to have her children while she was young and she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. She has definitely felt secure in her choice, and probably never even thinks that anyone would judge her, and certainly would think it was their problem if they did. I haven’t told her about my difficulty with the “What do you do for a living? question, but she would probably look at me like I was crazy if I did.
It sounds like Darlene resisted some pretty strong opposition to her choice, and probably came out more confident in that choice because of it.
Anya, I agree that we should be happy for people who are able to have the role in life they want, or at least the role they feel compelled to have.
And Kat, that Powerball jackpot is mine!
This is one area where I can truly say I have never been judgmental. To each his own and what works for one may not work for others.
I agree with Anya, I am happy for those that are able to do what they truly want to do.
I am 54 and will be 55 next summer. I will be able to retire at that time. I am thinking about it. When the subject is brought up at my workplace, every single person has told me that I would be crazy to retire. That I am too young and I would be bored and would have regrets. All I can think when they say that is “WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?“
I want to do what you are doing, Mary. I will be quite happy doing that. I never want to be known as Nurse Pam again. I want to be known as Retired Pam who might not do a damn thing!
LOL, Pam. You sound ready to me, and I bet you would have no regrets about retiring.
I am 54 and will be 55 next summer. I will be able to retire at that time. I am thinking about it. When the subject is brought up at my workplace, every single person has told me that I would be crazy to retire. That I am too young and I would be bored and would have regrets. All I can think when they say that is “WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?“
I want to do what you are doing, Mary. I will be quite happy doing that. I never want to be known as Nurse Pam again. I want to be known as Retired Pam who might not do a damn thing!
Do it Pam, it will be the best thing . I stayed on for two years but then I was ready. Best thing I ever did.
Thanks, Paula.
I will have to see if I am comfortable with the way things are financially. The only thing that is holding me back is the financial future.
Our district is talking about a 12 percent pay cut in addition to unpaid furlough days. Also something like 8500 employees being let go. There will be no golden handshake like last year so I won’t be able to take advantage of that.
Who knows, I might not even have a choice.
You are right Mary. No regrets.