My boyfriend is White. That doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it is relevant to the topic at hand. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t have to use any special powers, pray to Afrodite, or fight with 15 other women on reality television to get him. In fact, I pretty much had no game plan at all (hey, I like the fellas to chase me 
). We talked, we clicked, bada bing, we’re together.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t think the fact that my boyfriend is White makes me “special”. I’m not astounded at the fact that he picked “little ol’ (obviously) Black me” when he could have a White or an Asian girl. And I definitely don’t feel “grateful” that we beat the race relations odds and made a good match. But, according to some, I should feel all that and more–and it pisses me off.
The promotion of interracial relationships in the blogosphere can be a positive thing, because forward-thinking technology seems like as good a place as any to promote forward-thinking ideals. However, much of the conversation, especially when it deals with Black women/White men relationships, seems to focus on how Black women can snag the elusive White male. People will expound pages and pages of theories on why White men don’t find Black women attractive, where Black women should go to find eligible White men pools, and how Black women can stick it to the Black man, since apparently none of them want us either (unless we are light, bright, and damn-near White). Like the title says, I’m sick of hearing all of this crap because it’s really not that serious.
Men are men. I think they are pretty simple creatures when it comes to bare-bones attraction to a woman, but even if they aren’t, it’s ridiculous to analyze and politicize and categorize ways to get in an interracial relationship, and it irritates me that some people (no need to name names) try to capitalize on some women’s insecurities. It’s like a relationship, online version of “The Secret”–everyone knows that there is no secret!
This topic has been bugging me for awhile, but I’ve been staying out of these kinds of discussions because I always say the same thing, namely that I don’t do anything special to “get” men, and I think most Black women are the same way. So you (you know who you are), stop painting us as these lonely, dried-up spinsters who would jump at the chance to go out with Don Imus. We have better taste, higher standards, and way too much self-respect for that.
You can learn more about Jasmin here.
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20 Responses to I’m Tired of Hearing about the “Science” of Snagging a Non-Black Man
Jasmin I think any man, black, white, yellow, green, purple, etc. would be lucky to snag you. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders, and a fine attitude to match.
Thanks Paula, I try.
Really interesting post, Jasmin. Can you tell us what direction the opinion I highlighted below mainly comes from? Your peers? Just girlfriends or guys also? Older people like me, LOL.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t think the fact that my boyfriend is White makes me “special”.
By the way, I would never paint you as “lonely, dried-up spinsters who would jump at the chance to go out with Don Imus.” Not in a million years.
I would really love to have some of your friends weigh in on this? Are they too shy?
Thanks Pam. I would say the “White guy + Black girl = special” thing mostly comes from women ranging from my peers to those in their early 30s. I’ve known Black girls who boasted about getting White guys like they were somehow “better” than Black guys (i.e., they commended more status to a person). Plus some older Black women who are single have a “Black men ain’t sh*t” brigade which basically encourages Black women to see White men as saviors from the ills of Black men. I date all types, but that can be a very unpopular stance in some circles. Per some, the fact that my current boyfriend is White means I must loathe Black guys and love White ones, even though my last guy was Black!
I will spread this around on Facebook and see if we get any bites.
well most of the replies have been women, let me put my 2 cents in….personally, when I am single I don’t look for any specific race of woman to date, I would date white, black, asian, hispanic, american indian….etc… to me race doesn’t matter and to be perfectly honest looks are not that important to me either. obviously you have to be at least semi attracted to a person for a reltationship to work, however to me a good personality, sense of humor honesty and above all else faithfulness is what I look for in a woman. but thats just my 2 cents from a guys perspective…and being a white guy I would NEVER think a black or any other race woman would be special because she was dating me
I’m in my forties and from a time when a black/white relationship would have been seen as “special.” No one would have railed against it. Actually, it would have been cautiously applauded by most people with the one caveat, “I wouldn’t want anyone to say hurtful things to their children.”
From what I’ve seen of the next generation, they don’t really comment about this much. I didn’t think they even noticed.
It’s like a relationship, online version of “The Secret”–everyone knows that there is no secret! – Jasmin
LOL. Thanks for the knock on “The Secret”!
Jasmin, I appreciate the insight into perspectives I haven’t had direct experience with before. It’s all very interesting and enlightening. It does seem that while most people are much more accepting of interracial relations than they were in the fairly recent past, prejudices and ingrained opinions remain – people are just more careful about sharing these views in wide company.
I was surprised that some Black women would feel the way they do. I would think it might be the other way around – White men feeling “special” about having a Black girlfriend. It does seem as much as people may try and avoid it, the “race issue” — is still there in some form.
I guess we can’t all be Stephen Colbert:
“Now, I don’t see race … People tell me I’m white, and I believe them, because I own a lot of Jimmy Buffett albums.” – Stephen Colbert
Hah! Love the Stephen Colbert quote!
My perception is closer to Anya’s: I thought that if one could generalize at all, it would be more a case of black women not being interested in white men, not the other way around. In my (limited) experience, the black women I know (who are probably a generation older than you, Jasmin, so that may make a difference) are more frustrated by their inability to find a good* black man, rather than interested in dating outside of their ethnicity. Some I know really don’t want to date outside their ethnicity, probably for a variety of reasons.
*Just to be clear, Idoubt that there are any fewer “good” black men than there are good white, Asian, Latino, Native American, etc. men – it’s just that when you are limiting your dating pool to a minority group, in addition to the other criteria you presumably have, the going can get a bit tough.
I completely agree that it’s silly to politicize one’s relationship choices, when such choices are usually based on compatibility and attraction more than anything else. Unfortunately, even as interracial dating becomes more ubiquitous (which can only be a good thing, IMO), I don’t see the judgments people making totally going away, at least not for a long while. People love to judge and label, and differences in skin tone are such a visceral and visible difference (even if ultimately irrelevant) that I think it’s easy for some people to see them as having some deeper meaning or significance than they probably do.
I find this topic interesting because I had no idea that people thought that way. It’s sad that some black women feel like the low woman on the totem pole because they think neither black or white men find them attractive.
I am Asian and my husband is white. Neither of us went out of our way to get into an interracial relationship and most of the time I don’t feel “special” for being married to a white guy. The only time I really feel sort of special is when it comes to our kids. Of course, as their mother, I think they are beautiful. But because they are mixed race, I think they look sort of unique and interesting. Its entertaining watching people trying to figure out “what they are”. We have a red haired daughter and I think people wonder if she is mine. We get a lot of attention when we are in public and I guess that makes me feel “special”.
Jasmin–you are such as great addition to this site. Even if (I don’t know!!!) the majority of women are older, that is why you are so great to have here!
I (I’m white) have had two interracial relationships with black men. The first was the son of a black mom/ white dad and had many issues and embarrasment about his mom apparently. The second was married to a white woman (I’m not proud of) that situation). Don’t know if that means he has a certain attraction. But I will say nothing mattered to me about whom I was attracted to—BUT, you do notice more reactions either way to your relationship. That’s all I noticed. It never became “meet the family” which could be a whole other ball of wax.
Your comments are very interesting. I’ve enjoyed reading all your posts.
Well girls I am older than dirt!! ha ha But I thought that attitude went out the window starting in the sixty’s and by the 80′s all races accepted. Interracial relationships and marriages!! The only thing special about the relationships is that they fell in love as two human being. I am from the west, and went to school with one black guy. He dated only white girls, and was very popular in school.
I never really understood discrimination until I visited the South. ugggg
From what I’ve seen of the next generation, they don’t really comment about this much. I didn’t think they even noticed.
I’m in my late twenties and I have to say- I don’t really notice. Won’t it be a nice day when its a non issue either way, across the board? And guess what? I’m southern to the core. LOL. At least for most people in the south at this point its not as big the issue it once was. Certainly there was a time when much of the south (like much of the country) was discriminatory and bigoted. At this point I don’t believe it is more of a problem here than elsewhere in the country/world. Not from my experiences anyway. I do tire of the southern stereotype.
Awesome piece Jasmin- any man would be lucky to have you!
Samantha when I visited the South I was called a damn Yankee!! Because I ask for a road map. I was quite offended by that. I don’t know if that is Southern stereotype or not? It did not feel good being discriminated against. Since this experience happened to me over 20 years ago, I am sure times have changed. I have never heard of anyone calling someone from the South a Rebel. So I was taken aback by the comment. Made me see how discrimination is so hurtful to people.
Let me also say I have meant many wonderful people from the South since that experience.
Mary,
Thats an awfully strong reaction to a map request. I assure you that isn’t really a fair representation of the South twenty years ago or today. There are jack asses in every area be it North or South.
I was in New Orleans, and ask for a map of the city. He was very, very, rude. But ya know!! Maybe he got in a fight with his wife that morning, and I came in looking for a map. Maybe he was busy and here I was asking for a map. I was just surprised he called me a Yankee. Being from a small town in the west!! I had never heard that before.
Yes I will agree there are rude people across the US not just in the South. Did not mean to offend you. I think the History of the South is amazing!! Some of the most beautiful garden I have ever seen. I love looking at the old Southern plantations.
Thanks for the comments! I was interested in the reactions, since I know most of the regulars come from a different generation than I do.
I’ve found opposition mostly comes from 2 groups: Black men and White women. Black men have the whole “You think you are better dating a White guy” thing, which doesn’t really get to me, but with White women it’s a little different. Some of my White girlfriends (and I don’t really have many, save for the ones I grew up with) have treated me differently upon finding out that my boyfriend is White. I can’t really put my finger on it (I’ve had friends with similar experiences), but there’s an implication of surprise that I could get a hot *White* guy (people say my boyfriend looks like Jude Law
). It can be awkward, to say the least.
Jenny, I think it goes both ways. A lot of women want an IBM (Ideal Black Man), and a lot of my friends said they’ve just never thought about dating a White guy (the expectation is to date/marry Black).
I feel like older people tend to have a “live and let live” attitude towards interracial relationships in general, but that changes when it comes to their own children. I think most are ok with Asian and White combinations, maybe Hispanic and White if the person is considered a “White” Hispanic. But Black/White is a no-no for a lot of people.
Funny story: last year this (White) guy from my Spanish class had the biggest crush on me and made all these excuses to be around me (he used the classic “Can we study together line?). Along the way he slipped into the conversation that his parents are “traditional” and wouldn’t be cool if he dated a Black girl, I guess to see my reaction. He still scopes me out when I visit friends in his dorm, lol.
I’m in my late 20′s & I really don’t notice these things either. I grew up in a small town where everyone was white & I could not wait to go to college & experience some diversity. After college, I ended up living outside of Washington D.C. for a little over a year- there is so much diversity & culture there, that there isn’t time to notice someone’s skin color.
An activity I did in college w/some kiddos I worked with was to have a bunch of different “skin” colored paints, blended them together to match each child’s skin tone. It was a neat project to show the kids & teachers as well, that we aren’t just one color- & all of us had a common color amongst us.
Jasmin- thank you for sharing your perspective. I think it’s interesting how people will kind of expect you to continue to date white men.
I know I’m pretty late to this, but Jasmine, you really grabbed in attention. Myself, I’d heard more about the prejudices toward Black men from Black women when they date a White woman.
In college in the early 1990s in Ohio, a White flatmate met a very nice and handsome Black man in a bar and they had a flirtatious friendship. In the end, he told her he couldn’t date her because, if it didn’t lead to a longterm thing, he feared no Black woman would ever want to date him.
In the early “oughts,” a White female friend of mine had two experiences in Florida. First, she would occasionally go out with a Black male coworker for lunch because of their strictly platonic friendship–and they’d get stared at every time, lack of romantic vibes be darned. A year later, working at another company she was talking to a Black woman who was a little older than us (probably in her late 40s compared to our early 30s). When she told told this woman about the “staring,” she said, “Well, yes, I would have stared at you too!” She proceeded to say she thought a white woman and a black man should never date, and concluded, “I would rather my son bring home a black man than a white woman.”
Jasmine, how do you think these incidents compare with what you’ve experienced? I mean, is it indicative of a greater single belief about dating and ethnicity? Or is it that in different time periods, there are different concerns that come up and thus color (no pun intended) attitudes about dating?
And if your BF looks like Jude Law, then maybe what you’ve experienced is pure female jealousy
Eydie, you’re not too late!
In my experience, I’ve heard 2 lines of thinking regarding the Black guy-White girl thing. Older Black people who are against it tend to feel that way because of the not-so-distant past of what could happen to a Black man for even looking at a White woman (see Till, Emmett). Even now, what with the attention Black male athletes in particular get, the common sentiment is that a White girl will want sex with a Black guy, but would lie about it if her parents found out, so a lot of people fear false rape claims. I don’t have any brothers, but if I did and he brought home a White girl, my mom would probably be less than thrilled, though she wouldn’t outright forbid it.
I think that for younger women (late 20′s-late 30′s), the concern is missing out on a “good Black man”, since there’s the idea that Black men see White women as an upgrade. Plus, there’s all this media propaganda about the college-educated, independent, yet still single Black woman, so I think some women get defensive and worried.
I don’t think most of my peers are worried about that (I’m 21), but it might just be because my friends and I attract all type of men (though I do tend to attract more White guys, but that’s probably more location than anything) and we aren’t at the age where we need to worry about finding a marriage partner.
I won’t lie, I don’t think Black women are anymore for/against interracial relationships than any other group, we are just more honest about it. I can think of plenty of (White) friends’ parents who might be OK with their sons dating me (because they know me), but the idea of them bringing “a Black girl” (in general) home would still be a no-no. It’s easier to preach tolerance than practice it.
I can see the Jude Law resemblance, but I think he’s way cuter than Jude, so who knows?