Written by Anya
You may or may not have heard the name Ayelet Waldman before. Perhaps you know Ms. Waldman as the author of the “Mommy-Track Mysteries.” Or possibly you know her as the wife of Pulitzer Prize winning author Michael Chabon. Or maybe the name Ayelet Waldman rings a bell as the woman who ignited a controversy a few years back when she wrote an essay confiding the following: “If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.”
This wasn’t the first or last time Waldman came under fire for over-sharing details about her family. She and Chabon are the parents of four children. Waldman has written extensively regarding a myriad of private topics: her own bipolar disorder, an abortion she had in her second trimester and details regarding her children’s learning disabilities in various essays and her own blog. Waldman’s oldest daughter once shouted at her father, “You like being mean to us; you’re nothing but a hatred machine.” Half an hour later, her daughter’s words were in print online on her blog. Waldman is back this month with more personal revelations in a new collection of essays entitled “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace.”
Waldman’s bracing honesty and over analyzing can be a bit much, but I find myself feeling a certain admiration for her and a bit defensive on her behalf. In her new book Waldman reprints some of the nastiest letters she has received from readers including this gem. “Ayelet Waldman is, in layman’s terms, a FREAK. I hope her remittance goes directly into some kind of trust fund to pay for her poor kid’s future psychotherapy.” Ouch.
Waldman pulls me into her world view with an account of a fall her child suffered and a subsequent interaction with a fan after a reading. “A woman comes up to me afterwards and says, ‘Ninety-eight percent of men in prison had serious falls as children — you have to get her cranio-therapy…’ And I think, she’s going to jail, she’s going to be a violent criminal, this is what I did. I take responsibility for the bad stuff. The good stuff, I think is just them, but I’m responsible for the bad stuff.”
So I remain somewhat on the fence about Waldman. On one hand, I think many mothers will appreciate the candor of her writing and find solace in it. On the other hand, much of her writing seems self-indulgent and some of the personal details regarding her children could prove embarrassing to them. A large part of me doesn’t understand her ostensible need to share the best and worst of her family’s interior life. In the final analysis, however, I think Waldman has something to add to the continuing dialogue regarding motherhood.
We all think we’re bad mothers,” Waldman says. “I know I do.” Many mothers just breathed a huge sigh of relief reading this sentence.
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Comments
4 Responses to IS AYELET WALDMAN A BAD MOTHER?
As a mom it's hard not to feel guilty. I didn't do this right, I didn't do that right- mothers are often guilt ridden people! In the end loving them and doing the best you can for your kids is really all you can do.
I think most mothers think they are NOT very good mothers.
I've never read anything by Ayelet Waldman, you've gotten me interested now, Anya!
And I have to admit, I don't think there is anything I could feel more love for than my grandchildren, but it's a very different kind of love of course than what my husband and I share.
And I do love my husband more than my children, I always have and I always will.
I remember very wise advice my mother gave me too, she said that a woman should make every sacrifice for her children, but she shouldn't sacrifice her marriage for her children, because if a woman does her job right, one day those children will be grown and onto lives of their own, and then the husband and wife will be left looking at each other like strangers. Mind your children, but mind your marriage too.
My husband and I have made many sacrifices for our kids (we still do), but we have never sacrificed our relationship and we never will.
I've kind of been vaguely aware of Ayelet Waldman for a while – I remember the flap online about her loving her husband more than she loves her children. There's something slightly irritating about her need to overshare, but I think she (and other women like her) have a valuable role to play in the discussion about motherhood. Her honesty allows other women to be more honest and open. It gives them permission, in a way, not to be perfect. Women and especially mothers put so much pressure on themselves (and on each other). I think it's helpful to have someone who is willing to put it out there and talk about the subjects that so many of us feel are taboo.
I have never heard of Eyelet Walkman. I will need to check her out more. I agree with the statement that as mother's we are always given credit for the bad things our children do. Not so much for the good things.
I agree with Jennies. Women put more pressure on themselves to be good mother's than their children or husbands do. I always strived to be the kind of mother my mom was and never felt I was good enough. Never mind that fact that I was a working mother who also completed post graduate studies and held down two jobs at one point. There was always a feeling that I didn't do the holidays nice enough, bake enough and certainly never cooked the well balanced meals that my mom did.
My children and husband never complained, but in my mind I saw inadequacies.