My youngest son is dating. My oldest son is married. My daughter has lived on her own for more than 5 years and I have another son who is graduating from high school this year. Three out of four of my children are now driving, have ATM cards, and a job or two. All of them are taller than I am (and have been for many years). And with the demands of school, friends, sporting events, parties, and girlfriends, the two sons that still occupy our Atlanta home are rarely present. When said children are at home, I can find them behind closed bedroom doors, playing Modern Warfare with strangers met through the television (I’m not even willing to understand all of that), or texting, eating, and talking on the home phone at the same time.
When my first son was born, I was 19. Too young to be caring for a tiny infant, but (lucky for him) I am a quick study. I pored over every parenting book I could get my hands on. Dr. Spock was my savior. But (lucky for me) he was a good baby. At the time I had no idea that he was a good baby. That reality came just after his sister was born. She…my darling daughter…would be the one who challenged me. If someone had to do it, I guess she figured, why not her? And I learned a lot from her.
I had two more sons after my daughter. The sons who now tower over me and tell crude “that’s what she said,” jokes, shave, have armpit hair and girlfriends. The days of “Goodnight Moon” and tucking their covers under the mattress at night to keep them from rolling out onto the floor are gone. Now the bedroom doors are tightly closed — more often than I’d like — and on the rare occasion that they join us in the kitchen, we know they’ve come to re-fuel, not to talk about their day. All that text messaging can really drain you.
Each of them have their own lives, now, with places to go and people to see. And I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that they are kind and hard-working, that they have friends and are experiencing life. That they are happy and healthy, and loved.
So. I’m trying desperately to separate myself from them, as much as a mother needs to distance herself from the day-to-day adventures of her grown children. I need to learn to let go just a little — to “go with the flow’ — which is not an easy task for me when it comes to my children. Did I mention that I still tell my 13-year-old not to talk to strangers when he leaves the house every morning? Tall children get kidnapped, too, I warn him as he rolls his eyes.
Even even as I hang onto the threads that I know will bind us forever, I know that I need to let go just a little more. I know that even though I see them falling, I can’t always be there to catch them. And maybe, I shouldn’t (as long as it’s a short fall). It’s the time spent healing, recovering from the “fall”, that makes you stronger.
As I reflect on my more than 25 years of parenting, I think about what has worked and what didn’t work out so well. And I wonder how much of what I’ve done in all these years has molded them, helped them become who they are today. I suspect, in retrospect, that all those years I was simply watching over them, keeping them fed and safe from harm as they grew into their true selves.
You can find more our about Gwen here.
Tags: Family, Kids, Life, Parenting, Raising children
Gwen,
Thinking about this gives me hives. I have a 6 year old and as quickly as those years have flown by I imagine the next 12 will be just as brief. I can’t stand the thought of her making her own (probably ill informed decisions), dating (AGHHH), driving, leaving me!
I did the unthinkable to my mom one week after I turned 20. I dropped the “Mom, I’m in love and I’m moving 6 hours away to be with him” bomb. This from a child she was convinced could never leave her- I was convinced too.
She sat in my room and cried for 2 months. I can’t believe I didn’t ease her into it a little bit! I don’t regret my choice…………… just the delivery.
Oh Lord, I hope my child never does that to me!
:’-( I have 2 children under the age of 2 & as my oldest is approaching her 2nd birthday in a month, I can say it is bittersweet. She is eating her afternoon snack as I type this. I could stare at her all day, where has the time gone? She is fine-tuning her vocabulary, starting to put sentences together & getting a little sassy. I am nervous & excited to see who she emerges to be, the thought of her dating makes me nauseous. Being a SAHM is not always my cup of tea, but to be able to spend every day w/my children is something I know I will cherish beyond words one day.
I’d rather poke,
I think you are on the right track with cherishing these days that you are able to be with your kids. Boy do you have your hands full!
I have two boys, 24 and 28. I think I could probably beat myself up for things that I might have done wrong or could have done differently but I refuse to do that. I know I was a good parent. I know I did the best job that I could do. That is about all we can do and like Gwen said we are just keeping them safe as they grow into the person that they want to be.
I have two great parents and learned a lot from them. I might not have thought so when I was 20 but I figured that out sometime after I had my first child.
Gwen, beautiful and thoughtful piece. I especially liked this passage:
Even even as I hang onto the threads that I know will bind us forever, I know that I need to let go just a little more. I know that even though I see them falling, I can’t always be there to catch them. And maybe, I shouldn’t (as long as it’s a short fall). It’s the time spent healing, recovering from the “fall”, that makes you stronger.
Samantha, I didn’t know the story of how you left home. At 20, most of us don’t yet have the wider and more nuanced perspective that Pam is talking about re: our parents, do we? Yet, your mom clearly raised a very determined and indepedent person for you to leave what was familiar and follow your heart. And at 20! You were just a baby!
Gwen, I was 19 too. And like you, I also didn’t realize the others might not be as easy to care for. It’s a blessing to have an easy first one, but it can certainly be misleading.
I remember calling the doctor for every little thing at first. Like, when the umbilical cord fell off.
I remember their later teenage years fondly. But, there were only two of them (then) and very close in age. Our talks took on a different level, they could watch more movies w/us, it was more relaxed and had a more friendly feel. Not that we didn’t have to stay on our toes, but as they were moving in to adulthood we could loosen the reigns and we enjoyed each others’ company. Believe ;me, they were still gone a lot and behind closed doors. I still had the place I went to in my mind whenever they talked about video games. I would know when to go “wow”. (I hope they don’t read this, but come one..for hours and hours from when they were little). But, it was a new stage of their lives and knowing it was their last years at home made it special. It was hard to separate and to watch them fall. You’re right, you can’t be there to catch them. But, if they need you, you can be there while they pick themselves up. I noticed I had more and more free time and started looking for things that were of interest to me. I had always had my own interests, but all of the sudden I wasn’t having to squeeze the schedule to fit everything in. Now, I’m doing it again w/ my last little one and trying to remember how I did it years ago.
Tall children get kidnapped, too, I warn him as he rolls his eyes.~Gwen
I love that. It’s hard to go w/the flow. There are some things. I was terrified when it came time for them to drive. Although, I couldn’t wait not to be the chauffeur all the time. It was the hardest thing to let them get in the car alone. I did it, we started them out on short trips, etc. etc. But, oh, it was a struggle to be be normal about it. I knew what kind of crazy drivers were out there. I remembered, as a teenager myself, every stupid thing I ever did in a car. Oh my, how am I going to go through that again?
Lily, I was (and am still) terrified that 3 of my children are on the road. I never thought about that reality when I decided on 4 children. There was much I didn’t think about. I don’t think I really and truly realized that I would always worry about them.
Recently, my grandmother passed away at age of 92 and my mother called me a few days later and said that her mother — who had 11 children — asked her kids on her death bed if they were all going to be okay once she was gone. Even at her age, with children in their 60s, she wasn’t leaving this earthly world until she knew each one of them was going to be okay. The worry never ends. Morale of the story, right?
I’m just glad I’m not alone in all this. Thanks for the comments ladies!
I know I was a good parent. I know I did the best job that I could do.
That’s the best way to approach it, Pam. I would definitely do things differently. In fact, I have. My poor oldest was my “trial and error” kid. of course, what I consider my mistakes are different from what they consider my mistakes!
Poke, you are doing the right thing spending these days with your children. It’s not just about making memories, but also to really enjoy them while you can. Your description of your daughter’s expanding vocabulary reminds me of those little joys when the baby learns something. I loved staying home with mine when they were babies, though I know there were tedious hours waiting for their dad to come and provide some thing interesting to talk about.
I loved staying home with mine when they were babies, though I know there were tedious hours waiting for their dad to come and provide some thing interesting to talk about.-Ann
My husband has been working long hours & I just had this conversation w/my mom last night. I told her I needed to talk to someone about something other than pooping& eating, because that’s all my daughter wants to talk about