By Anya
“[Nine-year-old daughter Cara] was upset with me because I forgot to sign them up for something at school,” Kate, 35, tells PEOPLE in a new cover story. “I said, ‘Cara, I had a really rough year. This is a new year. You’ve got to give me that. Let’s start over.’ – People Magazine interview with Kate Gosselin, June 7, 2010 issue.
Deciding how much to share with our children can be difficult. There are different schools of thought on this and each “side” makes a good argument for why their approach to parenting is the best one. Kate was (predictably) criticized by some bloggers for her openness with Cara and taking her “parental hat” off. I think that is entirely unfair.
Let’s be clear – I am not talking about burdening young children with adult problems and concerns over which they have no control. I think we all agree that is inappropriate. However, I do think there comes a time when parents – under certain circumstances – can approach children on a one-to-one level and share a little bit about the burdens on them and admit their failings.
I actually admire Kate’s candid approach. Rather than troubling a child, I think honesty (again, taking into account the child’s age) is often the best approach. The fact is a bright nine-year-old already knows what is going on. Kate admitting that she has been distracted and the family has been through a lot will not be news to her. Instead, I believe it will validate the child’s feelings and that is important.
On an interesting note, a licensed professional counselor writing on PsychologyToday.com agrees with this approach.
“ While it is obvious… the reasons parents should be cognizant about the type of information they share with their children, there is certainly a concern about the mental health consequences that could result with a child who never gets to understand the more human side of his or her parents.” Ugo Uche, M.S., L.P.C.
Mr. Uche’s actually develops the topic further to discuss different parenting approaches (fascinating on its own), but his fundamental point related to this topic is that sharing a bit of yourself with your child is good and promotes empathy.
What do you think? Do you agree with how Kate approached Cara’s issue? Do you follow a similar path or do you believe a different strategy would be more effective? Share your thoughts.
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Comments
20 Responses to Parenting Strategies: What to Share?
Kate was (predictably) criticized by some bloggers for her openness with Cara and taking her “parental hat” off. I think that is entirely unfair.
A mom being honest with her daughter. I see that as refreshing. Especially a mom who has gone thru so much and keeps that family of 8 going and together. When I read the People article, I didn’t even think anything of that regarding what she told Cara. Just goes to to show how some must nitpick every little move of Kate’s. Isn’t life too short?
Btw, I’m sure Kate will keep her word to Cara and more than make up for what she forgot.
I think it can be a fine line. On the one hand, you don’t want a parent who overshares with his or her child and makes the child responsible for more than they are ready for. But I firmly believe that children, especially older children, do better when they are treated with some level of confidence. The child is likely already aware of tension and difficulties – most kids are sensitive to that. So it actually may make them feel safer for you to talk with them in an age-appropriate way about what’s going on. I see nothing wrong with Kate being honest with Cara about the fact that it’s been a rough year. She’s not telling her something that she doesn’t already know.
I agree. It is my understanding also that correct thing to do is not to lie to a child and pretend everything is fine when it isn’t but to give the child age-appropriate information. Cara’s certainly old enough to be aware that this last year has been radically different. Kate didn’t overshare &, most importantly, she didn’t trash Jon. She validated Cara’s feelings by acknowledging that Cara had a right to be upset with her while asking Cara to cut her some slack while everyone, including Kate, was getting used to their new lives.
Actually it doesn’t seem to matter what or how Kate handles any question or situation those predictable critics will blow it so out of proportion and make such a stink about it you would think the Kate all by herself is upsetting the balance of nature.
I think that giving age appropiate trueful answers and information is the best approach in any situation. When asked about Santa I told my oldest girls what my parents told me, that Santa is the spirit of hope, joy, peace, and giving that lives in the South Pole of your heart and if you nurture that spirit it will grow and make Christmas and each day extra special. So now they want to know if Santa grew because their clothing & swimwear from last summer are too small!!
Life is too short not to savor everything about any child’s growth even the times of disgruntlement. I think Kate’s handling of Cara’s displeasure was well done.
The haters made a big deal out of that? Well, isn’t it true? She did have a rough year. And probably so did Cara and the rest of the family. I really don’t see how saying that makes for bad parenting but whatever. I’m not looking for things to nitpick. I tend to have a similar approach in that I am honest and I tell my kids what I think they can handle.
The thing that really annoys me with the haters is that they seem to have such narrow ideas of parenting. For them, there is one solution for each situation and for every kid. And, of course, their way is the right way and everyone…no wait, just Kate must do it their way or she is a horrible mother. Pshhh.
Jennie,
I loved your post and agree that there’s a fine line in determining what and how much to share with your children.
But give me a break! I’m not much of a Kate fan, but the lengths people go to to criticize this woman are just plain nuts. When you remove objective thinking and focus only on finding fault with someone, you won’t be disappointed. None of us could be put under such negative scrutiny and not wind up looking bad.
What has never made sense to me is why did they pick Kate to hate?
OMG………I’ve had company this week and missed out on this latest complaint from ‘them’. Jeeeeze!!! At nine years old, Cara is grown enough to be spoken to in that manner. I agree with all as far as not sharing every little thing, but the fact is they’ve all had a pretty crappy year….and Cara knows that.
I don’t think this instance is that big of a deal. I think that Jon and Kate have probably shared too much in the last year publicly, and the kids will read all about it one day. Hopefully, not too soon. But, they are living it, so it can’t come as too much of a surprise. I don’t know how the conversation went, but I would just admit that I made a mistake, and I would try to be more on top of the kids events in the future. Maybe, ask Cara to help with reminders. I wouldn’t give a lot of excuses, because people are rarely interested in excuses.
I’ve felt guilty about forgetting things for my children over the years. Ugh! I hate when that happens. I do my best to undo any problems, but, yes, I will explain why I forgot. Kate’s response was reasonable. I had no idea anyone would find fault with it.
I did see Kate criticized for not running right along with Cara when they did the 5K together. I can’t tell you how unfair that criticism was.
Nice article Anya. Thank you.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong w/letting your child see your human side and that sometimes you just can’t do it all. Kids can be sweet and empathetic at times, but for the most part the world revolves around them. It’s hard for them to see moms and dads as people w/feelings and failings. Being honest helps bring that understanding and hopefully a closer relationship between parent and child as they get older. It’s hard when we want their world to be perfect, but it’s also our job to teach them what life is really like.
As for the criticism against Kate by those people. What else is new? Good grief.
She didn’t make excuses, she didn’t complain about details, and she kept it brief. I think she did fine. Her comments made Cara see her as a person not just “MOM”. I think it’s ok to let your kids know when you’re not ok. But you have to be sure they know it isn’t their fault.
She didn’t make excuses, she didn’t complain about details, and she kept it brief. - Kelley
I agree, Kelley.
Nice to see you. Hope you are well!
I’m great!
I’ve got a new blog at http://www.pastedtogether.blogspot.com if you wanna know what’s been going on!
Nice to see you too! I pop in now and again, I always mean to spend more time, and write something for you all, but then…I get distracted!!!!
I didn’t say Kate made excuses. I said that I didn’t know exactly how the conversation went. I said how I would handle the conversation. I make mistakes with my kids all the time. I just want to set an example for them, when I admit my mistake and try to do better. We just got that quote from Kate. I wouldn’t be surprised if she went on to say that it had been a rough year for Cara, too.
I was judging the instance in the article, not arguing your comment
. Sorry if it came across that way Wendy.
Not at all! I just wanted to make sure I didn’t come across too harsh
. At the end of the day, I’m the last person to give parenting advice 
.
Kate was on the Today show this morning
I thought Kate did well on the Today Show.
Parents need to be genuine with their kids. They can tell if you are being fake and it frightens them more than an honest acknowledgement of feelings would. However, keeping things general, like Kate did, is important. In fact, if we weren’t talking about Kate, I expect most people would consider this a textbook example of how a parent should respond.
I don’t know if anyone remembers Highlights Magazine from when you were kids but they had a cartoon called Goofus and Gallant. Goofus was shown handling different situations the wrong way and then Gallant would be shown handling them the right way.
Kate’s was a “Gallant” response.
Kate basically said to Cara – “yes I forgot something important to you, try to understand it has been a tough year, I will try not to do it again.” It is genuine and reminds the child that parents are human and can make mistakes. It is a response that would help teach a child empathy. It does not blame someone else for the mistake.
I know parents who would give Goofus responses like:
“Well if it weren’t for your father making a spectable of himself, I wouldn’t forget things like that.”
“Get over it. That xxxx is not big deal. Think of all the things I do for you. You should be a little more grateful, missy.”
Paige, very nice post.
I commend Kate for acknowledging she’s…human.
We all make mistakes, forget things, and are, well, imperfect women. I must prefer people who admit to their mistakes, as opposed to those who always find someone else to blame.
Good post, Paige, I agree. Another Goofus response: “You are hurt that I forgot this important thing for you. You should be hurt. you have had a hard year and this just makes it worse!”
A response like that would set Cara up to be a “victim” and we have enough of those in this country. I like what you said, Paige, about teaching empathy. It’s important to take advantage of the teachable moment. Kate did the right thing.
Regarding the video Pam linked above, Kate did great. She did NOT trash talk Jon. When she said things are amicable “for now” (several times for emphasis) she got her point across in the nicest way possible. There is nothing wrong with her telling the truth to that question, and the truth is, the situation with Jon changes. We all have seen that. Had she said things were amicable she would have been called a liar for denying the problems they have had or any future ones that might make the tabloids.
The interview reminds me that we don’t know everything that goes on behind the scenes with this family and never will.
Hailey tweeted that Jon texted evidence that he was lying when he accused her of stealing the TV from their apartment, and that he had a “plan” he couldn’t text her regarding their breakup. Yikes!