By Pam
Can a man really be “just friends” with a woman? A woman with a man? I asked my 24 year old son this question and he said “No way!” I reminded him that I have had a platonic friendship with my good friend Bill for over 14 years. He said “Well it is different with old people.”
Ok, I will give him that to a degree. Those of us that are more “mature” (I am not that old but I do remember thinking my parents were ready for the nursing home when they were my age) are more confident and capable of sustaining a platonic friendship without it developing into something more amorous. As you grow older, you have a wealth of history with a variety of relationships to draw from and make informed decisions.
My husband would agree and has no problem with my friendship with Bill. Even 14 years ago when I was younger, thinner and actually might have had the energy to have an affair, my husband did not give me any flack. I am thankful for my husband’s acceptance of my friendship with Bill because he has become like a brother to me and I can not imagine not having him in my life.
However, I am not so naive that I can’t see where platonic relationships could be a recipe for disaster. Your perspective can shift. Suddenly you see your friend as desirable, but he or she still sees you as only a friend. It becomes uncomfortable when somebody likes you more than you like them. Feelings get hurt and suddenly their is no relationship at all. Disappointment and anger is where this relationship will end.
I would have to say that I would answer yes, that platonic friendships even with married friends are not only possible but can be successful, fulfilling and thrive. There are boundaries that have to be drawn and you must make sure that you do not put yourself in a situation where someone-including your spouse- could misconstrue the truth from the perception.
How about you? Do you have a platonic friendship with the opposite sex? Does your spouse? Are they successful?
Tags: Men and women's relationships, Platonic Friendships, Relationships
Lol on your son’s comment about old people. You always hurt the ones you love.
My husband has one good platonic friendship with a lady he met in the Coast Guard Auxilliary. For some reason I’ve never felt threatened by that relationship, but I don’t believe I could be so relaxed about it in a lot of cases. We’re pretty direct with each other at this point in our relationship, and still discuss those boundaries you mentioned above. We even discussed those issues before we both joined Facebook, where we knew we would be reconnecting with old friends of both sexes from high school and/or college.
I don’t have a close platonic relationship with any male I’m not related to by blood or marriage. I’m not sure my husband would like it at this point, because it would be so uncharacteristic of me after all these years.
I guess the more secure you are in your relationship, the more likely you are to accept your partner’s platonic friendships with the opposite sex. Being careful to monitor each other’s feelings about it on a regular basis is probably a good idea.
Before I was married? I think so. I had a lot of male friends. Although Im not sure there wasn’t some level of flirtation at times. My husband and I don’t have friendships with the opposite sex unless they’re mutual friendships. We know ourselves well enough to know It would bother us both- we’re both imperfect haha.
I think if a married couple each knows that their spouse is their best friend (no other relationship overriding that), and they are both compfortable with it, perhaps it’s okay. But, I do find the whole platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex not necessary when your true best friend is your spouse. And, if that’s the case, then this examplifies what Samantha said…you as a a couple will be mutual friends with that person of the opposite sex.
There certainly needs to be boundaries and rules that the spouse with the platonic friendship needs to adhere to. If they truly believe their spouse is their best friend, this wouldn’t be a problem. And, if they truly believe their spouse is their best friend, most likely, both spouses are friends with the opposite sex friend.
Although I’m not sure there wasn’t some level of flirtation at times – Samantha
That has been my own experience as well, although I have only had a few opposite sex friends that I considered myself truly close to. There was always something differentwith these friendships and I have to confess my mind did wander to different scenarios….
I certainly think it is possible – witness Pam’s friendship. I do think it presents unique challenges and both parties have to be well-grounded and mature. I am not surprised your 24-year-old doesn’t think it’s plausible!
I met Bill through work 14 years ago. He is my friend but my husband also knows him and enjoys his company also. I no longer work at the same work site that Bill does but we have remained friends and have lunch from time to time and talk on the phone to keep in touch from time to time.
But, I do find the whole platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex not necessary when your true best friend is your spouse.
Theresa, I probably would feel the same way if I haven’t had this friendship with Bill. I am so thankful that we have had this friendship. He has brought so much laughter in my life when I have needed it.
I hope you don’t think I was knocking your wonderful friendship Pam. I wasn’t. I am extremely happy that you are blessed to have Bill. I wish all men could understand platonic relationships as well as he. You are truly blessed.
I have a friend who I knew from my single days and in that time we were really tight, just platonic friends, but unfortunately, he doesn’t understand that my life had changed. It makes me really sad because he’s such a good guy and I miss those times and want to share his friendship with my husband. My husband and I try to do things as a couple with him, but somehow I always tend to this friend’s question of why we don’t talk like we used to.
Maybe the problem is me. I don’t know.
Theresa,
No I didn’t think that. I was just saying that normally I would probably agree with you because I find it hard to believe most times that these type of friendships can work especially if one of the friends is married. I am not sure how I would feel if my husband had a woman friend that he was as close with as I am with Bill.
Thanks Pam.
It works because you are mature and so is he. I think it’s awesome.
I think if my husband had a woman friend, I would probably feel threatened, even though I’m secure.
What a great topic. Very thought provoking!
It was weird but years ago when I was first married I had a co-workers that were male and female and we got along great. The one male was engaged to be married and I even went with him to pick out his wedding suit. I was invited to his wedding and his wife was never threatened by our friendship. I have always gravitated to friendships at work, male and female when I was in my 20s and 30s. I had a blast w/these friendships cause they were totally different personalities than my husband. I realized later on that I probably was running away from a sad marriage because since my divorce 6 years ago, and my current job of 8 years I don’t need the strong co-worker friendships.
If my husband had a close female friend I would be a jealous madwoman. He’s completely trustworthy, but I know myself. I wouldn’t like it. I wouldn’t trust her!
I have no trouble being friends with coworkers on that level, but never after work. I’ve never had a close male friend aside from my brothers.
I am proof that men and women can be just friends. I am also proof that it can get messy and misunderstandings and misconceptions can happen. I have been best friends with a woman for 35 years if you count her growing up years. I met her when she was 12 and I was employed by her mother. We have been best friends as adults for nearly 20 years. I actually tried to pursue her in a romantic way early on but I “wasnt her type” and she put an end to it right away. As it turns out I have thanked God many times for that. Our friendship has outlasted several of her romantic relationships and a couple of mine. I would not trade what we have for what I wanted for any reason. On the other hand I am currently going through one of those messy ones. I became friends with a wonderful woman from my church. Problem is she became smitten. I never saw her that way, but I recognized what was happening as did some people at church. I tried to put a healthy stop to it, but unfortunately her heart is not one that could put her feelings on a shelf and let them rest or quiet down. I know from experience you cant necessarily turn those feelings off and I know how painful it is to want someone who has no interest in you that way. So I have done the best thing I know how to do. I have been honest with her, I have not strung her along in any way. Her choice, at least for now is for us not to be friends at all. Its not the way I would prefer it, but better healthy that way than messy and ugly the other.
Hello Dave and welcome,
It is always good to get a man’s perspective! I would tend to believe that women would have more of a problem with keeping a relationship platonic than men just from observations I have made over the years.
I can understand why your second friend that you spoke of did not want to remain friends with you. I think it is almost impossible for a woman do have feelings beyond friendship for a man and just be friends. We just can’t handle that. Just my two cents.
Hi Dave! Welcome!
I agree with Pam regarding that second woman. Her womanly ego is hurt. That’s hard on a woman. Especially since single women hear all the time that the place to meet a nice man is at church. (not saying you’re not nice…I’m sure you are…sounds like you have your head on straight…. just giving you what I’ve read from different magazines about the best places to meet men). Who knows, maybe some church friends were encouraging her to make a move on you.
I applaud you Dave for being so mature regarding the second woman. She needed to hear honesty. That way she’s not wasting time pursuing someone who doesn’t feel the same way (isn’t that a lyric from a Journey song?
)and she can focus on other things in her life and perhaps the right man will come along for her. I hope she comes around and does stay your friend. If not, know that you did the right thing.
Is your best friend married now? If she is, are you and her husband tight? Do you do man things?
i think men and women are like two opposite charges that attract. They should not have close friendship with opposite sex, as this can cause a problem to their life in many ways.It can distract them from daily life.this can also result in many other problems which can sometimes lead to divorce. in today’s society many people do not believe in god.this has caused them to do any action without thinking about the consequences (this is in general) .if a person believes god then he knows GOD is watching his or her actions,this prevents the person from doing wrong actions toward him or herself and others.
i hope this helps.
I believe that you can have a platonic friendship with the opposite sex. I grew up in the 60’s 70′ era, and it wasn’t always about sex. My Husband did not feel threatened by my friendship with men. I have a twin Brother, and it was always easier for me to be a buddy’s with the guys, then some of the women. Let me also say, that once I was married I did not hang with the guys all the time. For one thing we lived in different towns, had we lived in the same town, I doubt we would have hung out. I was to busy raising my Children. Although I have received phone calls from a couple of them from time to time, or I may call one of them just to see how they are doing. I have never crossed the line with my friends, nor have they with me. If they came to town and called!! You bet I would go out to dinner with them. If I am lucky they will bring their wife, if not I would not have a problem meeting them alone.
Mary
I feel the same as you. Also, I enjoy my friendships with some of my male friends more than my female friends.
My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex. We both had lives before we met and have kept up with our own friends throughout the years. Now we don’t go to the bar at night or anything but just like a friend of the same sex, we meet for lunch, see each other at work events etc. My best friend at work is a guy. We are the same age, we run in the same circles and we have nephews who are best buds. He is the building manager and takes care of the physical building and I am a professional in the building. We were hired on the same day………We have a lot in common and mutual respect for each other. Our spouses like us and each other and all kids. My husband is a little older than I am but my brother is my age. My work buddy and my brother are now good friends too. I have friends from college, as does my husband, we both have friends from the old neighborhood, high school, teenage jobs etc. We are secure with each other and neither of us were serial daters when we were young and have been pretty serious for a long time.
Here’s a poser for you all: My sister in-law absolutely hates that my brother and I go out together at least twice a month. Just the two of us (when she is working) and we go out and play pool, have dinner, go to the bar, meet friends etc. It drives her crazy. Anyone else have this issue? Let me remind you that we are the same age and have gone through life together and have always had the same friends and ran in the same circles.
Hmmm. No I don’t think any of my sister-in-laws would mind me going out with my brothers. Distance prevents us from doing so. That is kind of strange. What are her objections?
I’m not sure what her objections are. This has been going on for 23 years so it’s not a new concept. We are a close family and so we all see each other almost daily anyways. We have the big old Italian family where everyone lives by everyone, kids run back and forth, you never know who will sit down for dinner etc. She and I get along just fine but this one issue ticks her off. She is not Italian (not that it matters) and she doesn’t keep in touch with her own siblings. her brother lives 10 minutes away and they only see each other once a year or so.
she doesn’t keep in touch with her own siblings.
She’s jealous that you and your brother see each other more than once a year and probably wishes she had the same with her own brother, especially since he lives so close.
The only person who can change how she feels about that is her. Is this just something you notice, or do others in the famil notice her jealousy, too? To get rid of jealousy, one must focus on bettering themselves, not holding grudges, etc.
Your brother keeps doing things with you, so the good part is that she’s not playing him against you. Or, he just didn’t get suckered into her pouting if she does.
Trixie I think it is wonderful that you and your Brother enjoy each other company, and enjoy going out.
Since your Sister- In- Law seems to get jealous of your outing, I am wondering how much time your Brother spends with her? Does the time your Brother spend with you, take him away from spending time with his Children? Twenty three years is a long time!! Maybe she wishes your Brother would enjoy her company as much as he does yours.
Are you married? If you are, how does your Husband feel about you and your Brother going out twice a week?
Trying to put myself in your Sister-In- Laws shoes? I don’t think I would like my Husband going out with his Sister, or anyone twice a week for 52 weeks out of a year. Let alone 23 years!!! Can they afford for him to go out twice a week? Is your Sister-In-Law invited to go out with you?
We are both married. My husband thinks its a hoot that it bothers her. He is from a family of 9 boys and they see each other all the time. My brother’s kids are all grown up, or at least out of the house now. His youngest is away at college as a freshman, his son is a junior and away and his eldest is married with a child. He had this child out of high school and he and the mother did not marry. His wife is wonderful and accepts her completely. My kids are: junior away at college, freshman away at college and my son is 13.
He and his wife do many things together. They belong to the same clubs like skeet shoot, snowmobiling, travel. She is an RN and works 3 12 hour shifts a week. She works from 6-6 overnight. We only go out just the two of us when she has a shift and usually no more than twice a month. We see each other as couples with our sister and 2 of my husbands brothers at least once a week. We do not involve our sister who is much younger than us. She doesn’t even care that she’s not invited. I guess she’s used to it being that she grew up with us and we were a twosome back in the day.