By Jennie
Tiger Woods has apologized to me, and all I have to say is it’s about time. I’ve been waiting for his apology for weeks now. Sure, he made an earlier statement, about a week ago, but much to my surprise it did not contain the practically de rigueur statement of apology for the wrongs he has done. This latest statement does, and I thus feel somewhat mollified. Better late than never, I guess.
Seriously, I’ve been thinking about apologies in general. I have come to the conclusion that most of the apologies we give and receive are not all that sincere. Insincere apologies come in a variety of forms:
- There’s the coerced apology, familiar to those in relationships; when you only apologize after the other party has come out and demanded an apology, how much is that apology really worth?
- The non-apology apology, which itself has several subcategories:
*There’s the “I’m sorry if you were hurt/offended” apology – the very nature of which brings into question the fact that you were hurt/offended, and subtly puts the onus back on you for feeling hurt in the first place (also known as the “I’m sorry you’re a big baby” or “I’m sorry you have a stick up your butt” apology);
*The “I’m sorry about what happened” apology (this one seems to be a favorite with people who commit criminal acts) – note the sense of distance created by the use of “what happened” rather than “what I did”, as if the misdeed just sort of occurred, and gosh, who knows, really who’s responsible, but I’ll be the bigger person and apologize;
*Then there’s everyone’s favorite, the “I’m sorry, but…” which is not an apology at all but an opportunity to launch into a spirited defense and/or recitiation of your faults and wrongdoings. “I’m sorry” is a good start; follow it with “but”, and nothing good can come of it.
- Then there’s the apology so general that it’s well nigh useless: “I apologize to everyone I’ve hurt” or “I apologize to the public” or “I apologize to the American people”. My belief is that for an apology to be meaningful, there needs to be some relationship between the apologizer and the recipient of the apology. How can you apologize to me if you don’t even know I exist? How can you apologize if you don’t know how you may have harmed me? What possible meaning can such an apology have?
I can understand general apologies in the case of politicians, if their behavior has affected their constituents (which may or may not be the case when the apology is for an affair, as it so often is). I may still doubt the apology’s sincerity, but I don’t doubt its appropriateness – if you’re a public servant, and your behavior has had an impact on how you do your job, by all means, apologize.
But I don’t need an athlete to apologize to me. Not for steroids, or a DUI, or an extra-marital dalliance. I’m sure there are apologies due in all those cases, but in my opinion, they aren’t due to the fans. I know some will disagree; there’s a belief that athletes should be “role models” and thus their behavior should be above reproach. But the way I see it, we choose who to admire, and it’s a choice that comes with its own risks. It’s never a good idea to set a human being – particularly one you don’t know – up as a hero. No one is perfect and when we admire athletes or movie stars we are often ascribing qualities to them that they may or may not possess.
I was recently disappointed to find that several people in the entertainment industry that I admire – specifically Wes Anderson, Natalie Portman and Emma Thompson – had signed the petition supporting the freeing of Roman Polanski. I’ve admired all three artists’ works and, yes, in a sense I did feel slightly betrayed to hear that they had taken an action I find indefensible and despicable. But ultimately, it was a reminder to me that I don’t know these people. And they don’t owe me anything, except what they’ve already given me – good movies. Sure, I’d like for them to realize the wrongness of their decision to support Polanski, and renounce that position. But apologize? To me? Why? It was my choice (an unconscious choice, albeit, but a choice nonetheless) to ascribe qualities to them which made me believe that they in fact would not support Polanski.
I also don’t need Tiger Woods to apologize to me. Really. I’m sick of hearing about him and his skank du jour, sure, but the endless media coverage is not so much Woods’ fault as it is the fault of our 24-hour-news-cycle and celebrity-saturated culture.
Oh, wait…did I just refer to women that I don’t know and who have never harmed me as skanks?
I’m so sorry.
Tags: apology, Emma Thompson, Natalie Portman, politician, Roman Polanski, Tiger Woods, Wes Anderson
Oh, wait…did I just refer to women that I don’t know and who have never harmed me as skanks?
I’m so sorry.
Too funny, Jenny! I agree with the whole notion of apologies not meaning much anymore. You are so right that most of them have a “but” attached, that somehow absolves the person apologizing.
And I don’t need an apology from Tiger or Jon or any other person I haven’t met. (Although, years ago, I felt like I was owed one by the people that thought changing the taste of Coke was a good idea.)
You are so right. We don’t need celebrities to apologize. We also don’t need the 24/7 news coverage. It does get to be much of nothing.
Great post Jenny!
I agree with your assessment of “sorry”, and I think the same thing about “Thanks!”, especially in emails. For some reason it’s supposed to absolve whatever snark or bitchiness is in the first part of the message. It usually comes off to me as passive-aggressive, which is so not my style. (Note: This obviously doesn’t apply when the thanks is genuine, just to those instances where the person basically bitches someone out and then ends it with a cheerful “Thanks!”)
Jasmin, you’re totally right about the passive-aggressive use of “thanks!” – ugh, it’s annoying. On the same plane is people who say “excuse me” in public, but say it in a really pissy way – I think that should be reserved for people who are being egregiously rude in their use of public space, and even then, you don’t really come off great with an eye-roll-implied, bitchy “excuse me”. I’d rather some just brush by me without saying anything than saying excuse me in a tone of voice that really means, “get the f out of my way.”
Well Said Jennie! I totally agree- A) that he doesn’t owe me an apology and B) t hat I doubt its sincerity.
He should apologize to his wife and family for sure (in private), I hope he has. This is so much more than an “i’m sorry” can fix. How many women are we up to now? 11? Not to excuse his behavior, by any means but is he just a DOG or is this is a serious mental issue? 11 women??? That is beyond my comprehension.
Whenever I hear one of these apologies, it’s usually rings in my head that they’re only sorry they got caught. Who ever knows if they mean it or not? An apology w/the intent to only repair their image means nothing.
Sam, it’s 11 women? I had heard something like that in the white noise I can’t avoid.
But I don’t need an athlete to apologize to me. Not for steroids, or a DUI, or an extra-marital dalliance. ~ Jennie
Me either. I could care less. It’s always sad to see, but I’m seldom surprised by it anymore. Love your article Jennie. Insightful as always.
This morning on The View, Joy Behar had to apologize to Skank No. 1, Rachel Uchitel (thanks to Rachel’s lawyer, our friend Gloria Allred). She had made a joke based on her last name (something like, “You could tell she’s a hooker”). Joy wasn’t very sincere.
And I think they are saying it’s up to 15-16 women now. Really, that’s gotta be more trouble than it’s worth.
And I think they are saying it’s up to 15-16 women now. Really, that’s gotta be more trouble than it’s worth.
Really? and For True? Okay, I’m surprised by this one. If it’s all true, he’s ruined.
How did he find the time? There are only so many hours in a day…
Those are the numbers they’re quoting on the infotainment shows. I don’t know how they verify them, unless they all have saved texts/voicemails from him. I doubt if Tiger is going to come out and say, “Yes, I’ve enjoyed the company of numbers 1-8, I’ve met 9-13, but those others are just wanna-bes”.
But, on second thought, it probably isn’t a problem (for him) having so many. It’s not like he has to remember their birthdays, or their favorite things (or even their names). He probably uses the exact same lines on all of them.
A couple of those girls have “jewels” on their faces, like under the corner of their eyes, that don’t look like regular piercings. What is that, do they have facial be-dazzlers now?
Kiki,
So funny! Facial be-dazzlers. Hey maybe we can market those.
I agree with you Jennie and the only person Tiger needs to apologize to is his family.
Actions speak louder than words to me always and if I am hurt or offended by someone in my personal life and they apologize to me, I always appreciate it. But it is what they do after the apology that means so much more to me.
I don’t expect an apology from a pro athlete (except maybe Favre- how dare he play for the Vikings after the state of Wisconsin elevated him to status that ranks right up there with God.) I just expect them to do there job and entertain me in the world of sports.
I doubt if Tiger is going to come out and say, “Yes, I’ve enjoyed the company of numbers 1-8, I’ve met 9-13, but those others are just wanna-bes”. – Kiki
LOL. If one wants their 2.5 minutes of fame, I guess now is the time to step up and pretend you are # ???.
But it is what they do after the apology that means so much more to me. – Pam
Exactly.
Great article, Jen.
Great aricle Jennie!
The only peopel Tiger needs to apologize to is his wife and children.
I can’t believe how his once good reputation has been tarnished by his selfish acts. Oh yeah, he should apologize to his mother, too. She must be wondering where she went wrong with Tiger.
People not peopel. I really need to spellcheck before posting!
Jennie, I have been thinking of this today since Tiger apologized yet again. I could still care less, I don’t want to know, but it’s part of the buzz. I did see the headline that his wife wasn’t standing by his side during the apology. Good for her.
Tiger needs to seek forgiveness from his wife, his kids, and his mistresses. I thought he did a good job owning up to his despicable actions and apologizing to his employers for tarnishing his image, for which they paid dearly.
I did hear a sports writer saying this is just more of Tiger Woods controlling his image the best he could. This reporter didn’t think any of this was in earnest because Tiger wouldn’t answer questions and controlled which press members had access to this press event yesterday. Oh well. Maybe he’s right.