By Jennie

Tiger Woods has apologized to me, and all I have to say is it’s about time. I’ve been waiting for his apology for weeks now. Sure, he made an earlier statement, about a week ago, but much to my surprise it did not contain the practically de rigueur statement of apology for the wrongs he has done. This latest statement does, and I thus feel somewhat mollified. Better late than never, I guess.

Seriously, I’ve been thinking about apologies in general. I have come to the conclusion that most of the apologies we give and receive are not all that sincere. Insincere apologies come in a variety of forms:

- There’s the coerced apology, familiar to those in relationships; when you only apologize after the other party has come out and demanded an apology, how much is that apology really worth?

- The non-apology apology, which itself has several subcategories:

*There’s the “I’m sorry if you were hurt/offended” apology – the very nature of which brings into question the fact that you were hurt/offended, and subtly puts the onus back on you for feeling hurt in the first place (also known as the “I’m sorry you’re a big baby” or “I’m sorry you have a stick up your butt” apology);

*The “I’m sorry about what happened” apology (this one seems to be a favorite with people who commit criminal acts) – note the sense of distance created by the use of “what happened” rather than “what I did”, as if the misdeed just sort of occurred, and gosh, who knows, really who’s responsible, but I’ll be the bigger person and apologize;

*Then there’s everyone’s favorite, the “I’m sorry, but…” which is not an apology at all but an opportunity to launch into a spirited defense and/or recitiation of your faults and wrongdoings. “I’m sorry” is a good start; follow it with “but”, and nothing good can come of it.

- Then there’s the apology so general that it’s well nigh useless: “I apologize to everyone I’ve hurt” or “I apologize to the public” or “I apologize to the American people”. My belief is that for an apology to be meaningful, there needs to be some relationship between the apologizer and the recipient of the apology. How can you apologize to me if you don’t even know I exist? How can you apologize if you don’t know how you may have harmed me? What possible meaning can such an apology have?

I can understand general apologies in the case of politicians, if their behavior has affected their constituents (which may or may not be the case when the apology is for an affair, as it so often is). I may still doubt the apology’s sincerity, but I don’t doubt its appropriateness – if you’re a public servant, and your behavior has had an impact on how you do your job, by all means, apologize.

But I don’t need an athlete to apologize to me. Not for steroids, or a DUI, or an extra-marital dalliance. I’m sure there are apologies due in all those cases, but in my opinion, they aren’t due to the fans. I know some will disagree; there’s a belief that athletes should be “role models” and thus their behavior should be above reproach. But the way I see it, we choose who to admire, and it’s a choice that comes with its own risks. It’s never a good idea to set a human being – particularly one you don’t know – up as a hero. No one is perfect and when we admire athletes or movie stars we are often ascribing qualities to them that they may or may not possess.

I was recently disappointed to find that several people in the entertainment industry that I admire – specifically Wes Anderson, Natalie Portman and Emma Thompson – had signed the petition supporting the freeing of Roman Polanski. I’ve admired all three artists’ works and, yes, in a sense I did feel slightly betrayed to hear that they had taken an action I find indefensible and despicable. But ultimately, it was a reminder to me that I don’t know these people. And they don’t owe me anything, except what they’ve already given me – good movies. Sure, I’d like for them to realize the wrongness of their decision to support Polanski, and renounce that position. But apologize? To me? Why? It was my choice (an unconscious choice, albeit, but a choice nonetheless) to ascribe qualities to them which made me believe that they in fact would not support Polanski.

I also don’t need Tiger Woods to apologize to me. Really. I’m sick of hearing about him and his skank du jour, sure, but the endless media coverage is not so much Woods’ fault as it is the fault of our 24-hour-news-cycle and celebrity-saturated culture.

Oh, wait…did I just refer to women that I don’t know and who have never harmed me as skanks?

I’m so sorry.

Tags: