Written by Barbara Mountjoy
Some time ago, I noticed a new term in the e-lists and blogs I was reading regularly: SAHM. Frustrated, I looked up the term (I love Wikipedia!) and discovered its meaning: Stay At Home Mom.
Wait. What does that make me? A WOOHM? Work Out of Home Mom?
Or a MHDMAMAYM? (My Husband Doesn’t Make As Much As Yours Mom)? Or an IDMJTCHADWYDADM? (I Do My Job Then Come Home And Do What You Do All Day Mom)?
I have to admit, the term annoyed me. Made me a little jealous, too. Though I’ve raised three different sets of children, one with each marriage, I’ve worked out in the world most of that time. I never had the luxury to stay home and make the special cookies for birthday parties at school and cook the hot breakfasts for the kids. And when I was a single mom? Forget it. Those years I was lucky to keep everything moving forward, the light bill paid and make sure the kids at least had socks on. Hopefully, they even matched.
And what about the dads? My husband went to school part time over a couple of years and stayed home with our kids, then toddlers. He was a great dad at a time when they needed a lot of care, had multiple therapies, etc. Was he a SAHD? No. He was “unemployed.”
“Parent” as a job, is a difficult one. You have huge responsibility for these small folk, and you’re expected through some kind of unspoken magic formula to turn them into worthy people. C. Everett Koop, MD, said, “Life affords no greater opportunity, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.”
Those whose children have “issues,” like ours with autism, often spend a larger percentage of time with hands-on parenting; we have to. At the same time, I see many blogs where parents define themselves by their children’s shortcomings. I exchanged emails this week with a mom who had a beautiful singing voice; she liked to perform jazz songs professionally but said she wasn’t doing it any more. I urged her not to give it up just because she had a child. She wrote back and said she gave it up not because she had a child, but because she had an autistic child.
Is that all we are as people? Should we illustrate ourselves to others only as our relationship to our children or our house or our jobs? Do we have to sacrifice everything that we are for the children?
I don’t introduce myself to people as a lawyer. Or a mother. Or a quilter. Or a writer. I’m still me. I’m all those other things, too, but I start with who I am.
And that makes me wonder about the woman who uses the title SAHM. Is she trying to convince me of her worth and status? Or herself?
Barbara is the author of 101 Little Instructions for Surviving Your Divorce. She also writes technology articles and television reviews at Firefox News. Her blog can be found here.
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Comments
9 Responses to Stay At Home Mom ???
This is an interesting piece. I never fathomed that the term SAHM, would annoy anyone. You may not introduce yourself as your “job” but I would be willing to bet that when someone says “What do you do?”, your response is exactly that. No one says, ” I read, quilt, scrapbook, and garden”, unless they are asked what their hobbies are. We do largely define ourselves by the way we spend most of our time.
If you’re a stay at home mom and someone says “What do you do?”- what is the appropriate response? “Nothing”- ? I don’t think so. Because it is work. Perhaps you consider it a luxury but some women consider it more of a prison- sometimes. Gasp! And that’s okay to admit. Perhaps the stay at home mom that you so envied- envied you. Maybe she sacrificed a career that she loved to stay home because she felt it was best for her family, while she watched her husband climb the ladder from the sidelines. And yes perhaps she did have the luxury to make that choice when you didn’t, but does that make it any less trying? Being with your children 24/7 is not easy. I say that as a former “SAHM” and now a “WFHM” (Work From Home Mom). Being a SAHM mom is often lonely, something that a lot of people don’t realize. Not to mention that many people seem to think a SAHM does “nothing” all day.
You asked if she’s trying to convince you of her self worth, or if she’s trying to convince herself. Well, do you think being a “SAHM” has value? The same value that a “job” has? I don’t think so. You did say “I do my job and then come home and do what you do all day”.
Its such a widely used and accepted term, is it really that much different than “homemaker” or the oldie term “housewife” ? I agree that our worth doesn’t lie in a label, but someone’s “label” doesn’t take anything away from your worth either. Does it matter that your kids didn’t get fancy cookies? No! Most schools require store bought now anyway and I doubt they lose sleep over it now. Hot breakfasts? No- most kids prefer cereal. Don’t feel guilty that you weren’t able to be a a “SAHM”, the “M” is the only important part of that label anyway.
I was a SAHM for many years, and I did call myself that when asked what I did for a living. I left a nice position that I loved and found very rewarding to raise my children without using babysitters or daycare. I wanted to do the day-to-day activities of caring for my kids myself. The choice to do so was a luxury, but I made a huge sacrifice as well. We aren’t rich. We just lived frugally. I realize though, that had my husband left me or died, the choice to stay home would have been gone. I needed him to financially support us while I left the workforce. I am grateful I had the chance to be a SAHM.
C. Everett Koop, MD, said, “Life affords no greater opportunity, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.”
Thanks for that quote. It really explains why I chose to do 100% of the care of my children while they were small. It was a great opportunity and privilege and I wanted it all to myself. I don’t begrudge anyone who made another choice or who never had the choice, though. Everyone’s circumstances are different.
I do not have an autistic child, but have worked with autistic children. These children really do best with lots of individual attention. I agree that their parents probably end up devoting much more of their time to them than with their children who are not autistic. And I agree that parents should NOT give up what they love. It’s a tough balance.
I don’t know what to call myself other than a SAHM. When someone asks me what I do for a living I say I’m a SAHM. I could go into a long list of unpaid jobs I do on a given day by saying I’m a housekeeper, administrative assistant, driver, cook, laundry attendant, etc. I could go on but overall I chose this as my career until I feel like my children don’t need me anymore. Sure I have the option to stay home with the kids and be here full time then take a job outside the home. I definitely do not consider myself unemployed and some days I feel like pulling my hair out or feel rattled when I have to juggle two cranky children while cooking dinner. I enjoy the time I get to spend with them and I could send my children to daycare so I could fulfill some need to give someone a better title for myself other than a SAHM but I don’t because this is where I need to be. I support anyone and whatever a mother decides for a career outside the home is not any less of a job for a mother who stays home full time to care for her family. A career is a career whatever job you have. If it makes some people feel better then I’m not a SAHM but a CEO of a small corporation..
Darlene,
I love that. CEO and probably CFO also if you are balancing the budget and paying the bills. I have never not worked, so I have never used the term SAHM.
I made the decision when my children were born to work the night shift. 12 hours. So my husband and I did not use any child care services for years either. When my son’s were older, we did place them in half day pre-school 3 days a week so I could come home and get some sleep and so that they could socialize somewhat. The pre-school happened to be a block from our house so it worked out.
Working nights and coming home from a 12 hour shift is probably not the best situation but it was the best for us. My husband also put in long days and came home and bathed, played with and made sure homework was done and put the children to bed.
The use of the term SAHM doesn’t bother me. Many times we do ask each other at a social setting, “What do you do?” Whether someone replies with SAHM or I stay home and take care of my children, makes no difference to me. What else are they suppose to say?
Pam- when did you sleep???
When you work 12 hours shifts you usually only have to work 3 or 4 shifts a week. I split all of my shifts. Never worked two in a row. I had to leave the house at 6 pm and usually would get back home at 8 am. I started this 6 weeks after each of my sons were born. I did nurse both of them until they were almost a year old. It was tough. But I had graduated from college and also went into a specialty area where I took 6 months more of training and many more classes after that. I was good at what I did and I enjoyed it. Plus we needed the money.
I think SAHM is sort of used to recognize the work that “at home all day” mom does. It’s much nicer than “working” vs. “nonworking” mom, since we all know that’s not how it goes. It’s all hard work. Work full-time and you miss them, stay at home and it’s mostly an all-child world. I do recall a study where the blood pressure was monitored of moms who were at home all day vs. mom’s who worked outside of the home. The ones who were at home all day had more spikes in their blood pressure.
Darlene, I too love CEO of a small corporation. With all the details that goes into taking care of a family, that’s exactly what it feel likes.
I have no problem if a woman wants to make motherhood the highlight of her life and define herself as such. If that’s what makes one happy in life, that’s her choice. A label doesn’t restrict you, it just defines who you are most of the time.
Pam, I enjoyed reading how you and your husband managed your household. I can’t imagine nursing and working shifts like that. Wow.
“Do we have to sacrifice everything that we are for the children?”
Others have weighed and made good points regarding the term SAHM. I agree with the consensus there.
I did think you asked an excellent question above though.
I recognize the larger concern you may have. The point you made about your acquitance giving up her music is sad. In certain circumstances perhaps there is no other choice, but I don’t think we do our children any favors by completely putting all our dreams and pursuits in a box until our children grow up. I would think a mother of an autistic child would need the time-off more than anyone…..
Thought-provoking piece. Thank you.
Wow, lots of different and interesting perpectives here. Little did I know when I submitted an article suggestion to IW today that it had already been covered here. I’ve been so focused on Gosselin Chatter (and still am…lol) that I hadn’t taken the time to look at much else. I’d never heard of SAHM before this. I’ve always thought I did things the opposite of many, working outside the home (being a “WOOHM”, as Barbara wrote) from the time my son was 2 months up to the time he was entering 6th grade. At that point, for a variety of reasons, I became a SAHM. Just last week I was asked, for the first time since being a SAHM, what I did for a living. I admit it, I floundered while trying to answer, thinking about answering with what I used to do, or with all the reasons I quit. This article and the posts have given me much food for thought.