By Lily
When I was very young, my mother’s friend gave her a recipe for lasagna. Starting at age 18, I began making it myself and followed the recipe strictly (I thought). Therefore, I was surprised that every time I made it, I set the oven on fire. My mother’s lasagna did not cause flames to leap out the oven door! One of the fires occurred when I made an ambitious double-batch. Somehow, I always forgot about the previous fire until the next one happened. I finally caught on to use a little less sauce and a catch-pan.
I also remember killing a big batch of portabella mushrooms many years ago. A family member had served them grilled. They were so delicious. We decided to grill out the next day and I would fix some. My host had informed me that she used soy sauce as a marinade and grilled them a few minutes. Not realizing she had just brushed the sauce on, I thought I would let them soak awhile. I filled a shallow pan with soy sauce and put them in. After awhile, they soaked it all up, so I added some more. As you can imagine, they ended up as nasty sponges that tasted of nothing but hot soy sauce.
Then there’s the time I was pregnant and craving chocolate malts. I arrived at my parent’s home already craving one. I went to whip up a malt in the blender right away. I almost threw-up when I gulped a big drink and discovered I had grabbed the buttermilk.
There are more, but these are some of the more memorable of my food preparation disasters. I would love to hear some of yours. Imperfect cooking makes for a good story.
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13 Responses to Tales from an Imperfect Kitchen
Ewww! The buttermilk milkshake makes me gag to even think about!
I’m trying to think of kitchen disasters. Mostly what I can think of is baking-gone-wrong, usually involving jellyroll cakes that broke apart when I tried to roll them up (I may have mentioned that due to my some would say…extreme reaction to said breakage, I am no longer allowed to make jellyroll cakes).
I’ve definitely had recipes go wrong on me – usually new recipes that sounded okay on paper but turned out watery or mushy or just otherwise yucky when I made them. I think the more you cook the more you have a sense about recipes that may be off – I know I have a recipe for breaded chicken fillets baked in the oven (sort of a lower-calorie alternative to fried chicken) and for some reason the recipe says you should cook them for an hour, which is just ridiculously long and would result in terribly dried out chicken. Even the first time I made that recipe I knew better than to cook them for a whole hour without even checking them for doneness.
I am usually a pretty good cookn but a couple of years ago I wanted to try a new blue cheese mac and cheese recipe for my parents. It started by making a roux of butter and flour, then adding the cheeses and melting it all. I got all the ingredients out, I made it, got it ready to bake it and thought it was perfect. My dad was making lemon bars for dessert and he pulled out a clear container and sprinkled what I thought was flour on the bars. I was horrified to discover I had used powdered sugar instead of flour to make my roux. Oddly, I still make it with powdered sugar, it balances the blue cheese so well!
Oh I have my cooking disaster stories, let me tell you!
The best one is recited by my family almost every Thanksgiving:
I roasted a beautiful turkey in a large glass baking dish (one of those 13 x 9 pans). Roast turkey with gravy, mashed potatoes, and cranberry is heaven to me so I look forward to these holidays when I can spend the day cooking the perfect bird.
I had just finished boiling and mashing the potatoes and was all set to make the gravy. I took the turkey out of the oven and placed the dish on top of the stove. Carefully, I scooped the turkey out of the pan and set it on a platter to cool before carving. Ah, now to make the gravy. I’d always used the old-fashioned roasting pans (what are they made of, anyway…well, you know the kind…oval in shape, big lid?)…anyway, this was the first time I’d cooked the turkey in a glass pan but it looked delicious!
So now to the gravy. I turned the burner up, where i had placed the glass dish, and proceeded to add the ingredients, bringing to a boil — when BANG! The entire dish exploded in front of me! (from the heat of the stove top).
There was gravy on the ceiling, my hair, the fridge — and gravy and glass flew as far as the family room! I was shocked. Turkey without gravy? Are you kidding? In shock, I believe, I sat down on the floor in the family room, knees bent, head down, and sobbed for an hour.
Oh, Gwen! That is tragic. The gravy is the best part.
Glass pans can be tricky. I had one crack on me while in the oven, for reasons I never quite figured out.
Oh Gwen, I know that it wasn’t funny but it is hilarious now. Great story.
One Thanksgiving our friends came over with their two children and they were bringing the turkey. For some strange reason they let their son who was probably around 12 carry the heavy 20 lb turkey in and he kind of was running to our kitchen (probably because of the weight) and he tripped and fell and the turkey and all of the juices went flying over my brand new light blue carpet.
We picked the turkey up and cleaned it the best we could and it tasted great!
LMAO at the soy-drenched portabellas! That must have been so gross. Live and learn, Lily.
The first time I made “Bow Tie Casserole” (at age 16) I also followed the directions literally. I browned 1-1/2 lbs. of fatty hamburger in a pan. Mom did not write that I should drain the meat, so I didn’t. I served that casserole with a 1/2 inch layer of melted hamburger grease floating on top. Ugh! It was disgusting, but it was dinner, so we ate it. My sister’s boyfriend (now my brother-in-law) was over for dinner. He was a starving college student. He was the only one who ate it. He even had seconds, and told me it was good. He’s still a really nice guy.
My little sister took a turn at helping with dinner one night and accidentally spilled the whole turkey casserole on the floor. No one but she and mom knew. They invoked a 15 second rule and served the dish. When I was eating I puled a staple out of my mouth. OMG! How did that happen??? They laughed it off, but most of us decided to go hungry.
Why didnt they just send out for a pizza???
Gwen, how on earth did you guys ever get the glass up? That’s a scary one. Lol at the gravy. I would have cried too. I feel the same the way about the gravy w/the turkey. It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving w/o it. There’s not one w/o the other.
Ann, that bowtie casserole sounds as gross as can be. LOL.
Jennie, I remember you mentioning those jellyrolls. It always makes me laugh. I think you should try another one just to see how it goes.
Erin Kate, how neat that that little mistake turned out to be a positive! If you get a chance, post your recipe, please.
I am generally not allowed in the kitchen. Typically I am assigned dish washing duty or some other chore where I can’t cause too much harm.
I did once get my hair completely caught in mixing blades while making cake batter….. Perhaps leaning in a little too close to sample the ingredients?
I did once get my hair completely caught in mixing blades while making cake batter….. Perhaps leaning in a little too close to sample the ingredients?
It was extra-sad because I was there and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Anya, I feel your pain. I am in charge of cleaning up. When we have family get togethers and dishes are assigned, I am usually asked to bring the sodas and paper plates. My cooking disasters are too numerous to count. The few times that I have stumbled across a simple recipe that everyone likes, they are insultingly surprised to find out that I made it.
I love hearing about other folks disasters in the kitchen because it makes me feel that I’m not so bad a cook after all. When I was around 15 years old my sister, who did a lot of the cooking back then went off to collage. That wasn’t so bad because I had a room all to myself but with her going away I had a price to pay and it was cooking dinner for my father. My mother worked second shift at the hospital and my father came home around 4:30 so that left me cooking dinner. My first dinner for my father was fried pork chops, mash potatoes and green can peas (ugh). The dinner needless to say was a disaster, the pork chops were pink inside and burnt on the outside, the mash potatoes were extremely lumpy and the peas were over cook, meaning I boiled them to death. I will never forget my fathers comment to me was, “Patty, I don’t think these pork chops should be pink in the middle and you didn’t cook the potatoes long enough.” I was in tears and my father said don’t worry we’re going to make some gravy and finish cooking the pork chops, then we’re going to make some rice and throw the these nasty green peas and potatoes away. This began my cooking lessons with my father and everyday that I had to fix dinner he would tell me to wait for him and we would cook together.