Written by Motheralice
I had a patron complain to me today about the movie ‘Good Luck Chuck’. He told me it was “absolutely pornographic” and we should do something about it (I suspect burning it would’ve been OK with him). When I pointed out that it was rated R (right there on the back cover- although in admittedly small print), he just said “oh”. On the way out he told me it should be rated triple x. I just shrugged and smiled. Not allowed to point out that libraries aren’t really big on censorship. In the same vein, a mother picked up a copy of the live action Mario Brothers, and when she read that it was rated PG and part of that rating was mild sensuality, she put it back with the comment that “I don’t want to explain anything” to her kid. About what the sensuality might mean? About sex? The kid is almost a teenager, she probably knows more than mom thinks. But this brings up a good point…. As Americans, we tend to be either horribly repressed, ridiculously naive, or disgustingly raunchy about sex. There is no middle ground, there is no logic. And there most certainly will be no calm, unemotional, non freaked out discussion with our children about it. If you’re not a virgin when you get married your man will think your a whore (this doesn’t apply to boys/men though.) If you have sex before you’re married, you’re going to hell. Teenage pregnancy is bad, so don’t have sex. And hide the teens who do. And make them ashamed of their children. And DO NOT teach them to take responsibility for their children!!!! That’s what the grandparents are for (cause they did such a good job the first time, right?)
Now I know that no one is perfect, and teens are stupid often just out of their “teenness”, and things happen. Not everyone fits these stereotypes. But there is a reason for the stereotype. And I have lived around trash long enough to know, there are LOTS of reasons for the stereotypes. Think for a moment about what could happen if we just chilled a bit and had a glass of wine with the “sex talk”.
There would be giggling (cause how many kids do you know who can have that talk without giggling, right?). Also, parents will giggle at some of the questions- between the age and the wine, something will be funny. I promise. There will also be embarrassment. Like when the question of “Hey mom, what’s a douchebag?” comes up in the middle of the afternoon (after watching a movie in which it was used as an insult). How do I look my 11 year old in the eye and explain that one? It can be done. It is embarrassing. He thought it was “disgusting!” and wanted no further discussion of it (thankfully). But the point is the news and media are trying to scare me into believing my kid will be another teenage father by virtue of statistics. And I can (hopefully) prevent that by being open to whatever questions he has when he has them, sitting down with him and talking to him about sex and his ideas about it, and making sure he has examples on both sides of the fence.
My brother was a teen dad, and he has paid in many ways since, even though he loves his 3 kids. (He will be 26 in December.) As much as I love him, he is my son’s example of what not to do. On the flip side my d/h explained to him that we made a conscious choice for me to get pregnant with him and that before that we actively worked to prevent it with condoms AND the pill (yes, we were quite paranoid, thanks). Monkey asked me the other day while we were talking (we’ve had the major discussion, now it’s just random questions here and there) “where do I get condoms if I need them?” After my heart started to beat again, I told him that if necessary we could get some for him, or he could buy them himself. Then I asked if he was thinking of having sex and he grimaced and told me no way. He knows we don’t want him having sex til he’s grown (30 would be good, I’m not pressed for grandkids), we’ve made that quite clear. And that you don’t just go around having sex with anyone who happens to walk by or catch your eye. I think he meant it, he still thinks kissing is kind of gross so I could be safe for another few weeks. But it gives me pause, and it reminds me to keep the lines of communication open, because I know that as long he’s comfortable talking to us about it he will.
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7 Responses to The Sex Talk, Are You Ready?
YES! YES! YES!
Parents should be talking with their kids about sex and their sexuality. It should be handled in a matter-of-fact manner in a calm and rational way, AND throughout the kids’ lives, not just when they start dating. When your five-year-old asks where babies come from, an age-appropriate answer that does not involve too many details, but isn’t a complete fabrication (the stork, anyone!) is best.
Instead of shielding your children from sex on T.V. and in films (which they will watch anyway when they are out of your sight), it is better to watch it with them and use it as an opportunity to discuss your moral values. You would be surprised at what kids have to say and how willing they may be to listening to what you have to say.
Believe me, as an educator of middle school and high school students, they know WAY more than you want to imagine. Burying your head in the sand or leaving this to the schools is not the best way to go. Motheralice–your take is right on. Keep the lines of communication open and your son will know that he can always come to you.
I loved this post. Brought back some memories. When my oldest son was pretty young, we were watching LA Law and one of the actors in the show was explaining how you have a baby to another actor that was playing a mentally challenged man. My son started asking questions and my husband and I decided there was no better time than the present so we explained a few things to him. He sat for a minutes and then he made a face and said ” Ewww – you mean you and mom did that twice?” (He has a younger brother.) We said ” yes son, just twice.”
I also remember when my sister and I were young. It was the late 60s. I was probably in 8th grade and my sister in 9th. I can’t remember for sure we could have been a year younger. We already knew pretty much everything there was to know about “sex”, especially having two older brothers and many many of their friends around the house.
My mom gave us a record. It was an album. Our stereo was in the basement of the house at the time and she sent us down to the basement to listen to this album. It might have even been something that the Catholic Church handed out or sold. I can’t quite remember. We tried to get out of listening to it but my mom would not budge. She however, did not come and listen to it with us or have any kind of discussion of it afterwards ( Thank God.) My sister and I sat down on the couch in the basement and giggled and laughed all the way through it. Of course we covered our mouths with pillows so my mom would not hear. We had tears running down our face. When we were finished we gave the album back to my mom and not another word was said about it by her.
It was the 60s. What can I say.
Pam, I have never heard of a record. That’s too funny. No visual aids I guess. It is a good thing that your mom wanted to make sure you had the facts. Mine gave me the plainest, simplest book there was. She never talked about it either. Thank goodness for knowledgeable friends. We had an 8th grade Health class that was fantastic. What was sad, was the teacher was not asked back the next year, it was unstated, but like always everyone talked. The kids never thought anything about it, it was school and we were so participate. It was a very small private Christian school. This teacher went to great lengths to make sure we had all the facts. She did anon questions too.
I agree if they’re old enough to ask, they’re old enough to get age appropriate questions. My little girl was curious early on about babies being born and we watched, oh, that show on TLC. A Baby Story. They show a birth in every show. Actually, I think watching a real birth could be a great way to encourage being safe.
I was realistic with my boys and I won’t say more, because some of their friends read here. I was prepared for them to have sex in high-school. I wanted to make sure they knew how to respect a woman and all the facts of being safe. I agree with motheralice that 30 is a good age for them to start..oh, but those urges are so strong for them.
Motheralice, I bow to your advice. Thanks for a great article.
Oh, I remember one thing the teacher did was role playing. One was telling your parents that you were pregnant. She was a great teacher.
Thanks for all the great feedback folks! My mom just gave me a book as well, but it had illustrations. It didn’t really matter, because by the time she thought of it I already knew most of what I needed to. Thank god for good friends!
Our 6 year old (then five) asked me a few months ago how the baby gets out of the mommy’s tummy. I thought very carefully, trying not to to traumatize her with my answer. I explained in the most simple, truthful way that I could.
She also knows the proper terminology for body parts (though she doesn’t use them), which I felt was important. That’s enough for now.
Motheralice – great piece and wonderful, sound advice.
I find the different approaches used by our parents and educators to be fascinating (and funny).
I came of age in the mid to late 70′s. My parents were pretty darn liberal. Dad kept his Playboy magazines out where anyone (me!) could peruse through them. That said, we didn’t really talk about sex in a very open way with either parent.
I kind of just put things together a piece at a time.
With my own daughter, we have had talks. Usually they arise from a question like Samantha’s daughter asked. I, too, endorse keeping the lines of communication open.